Russell Grieger PH.D

Happiness With Life 4: Gracefully Lump Feel Bads Have your feel bads and they won't have you. One of my oldest and dearest friends recently passed away after a long battle with cancer. I was more than honored when his wife, whom I had met when they were on their first date, called and asked if there was anything I could offer to help her cope with her loss. I paused for a moment, not wanting to trivialize her suffering with psychobabble clichés. After some deliberation, I suggested two things, neither one being a quick fix and both requiring some follow-up coaching. A first was to honor her feelings of grief, but to also work to eliminate her depression, by ridding all vestiges of irrational thinking. The second was to work to gracefully except her painful feelings of grief, believing that they were healthy and appropriate and trusting they would abate over time. You see, most people upset themselves over their upsets, thereby creating a secondary emotional problem on top of their primary one. They guilt trip themselves about their anger. They react with depression about being depressed. They get anxious, even terrified, about their anxiety. Now they have two emotional problems for the price of one. This not only compounds their misery, but it also makes it twice as hard to find happiness. As I write this, I think of one of my current patients. He presented severe depression that debilitated his motivation, energy, and libido, not to mention rendering him miserable. Topping that, he roundly condemned himself or his condition, thereby creating more depression and guilt for himself. He thought: “I shouldn't be so weak.” “I'm letting my family down.” “What a loser I am!” I think of my 82-year-old widowed aunt who frets about the minor breakdowns in her life – the TV that goes on the blink, the icy roads that make it hazardous to get to the grocery store, getting Christmas gifts to the post office in a timely manner. Worse, she panics about her anxieties, telling herself, “I can't stand this,” “I'm going to crack up.” “What will become of me?” Then there’s 45-year-old Sharon who suffers from deep fears of abandonment that make her anxious, clingy, and insecure in her primary relationships. The rub is that she feels so ashamed of these “weaknesses” that she denies their existence and blames her significant others for her interpersonal woes. As a psychotherapist, I face two challenges when I deal with people who present two levels of disturbance. The first is to help them get over their secondary disturbance – their guilt and shame over their anger, their depression about their depression; the anxiety about their anxiety. The second is to assist them in conquering their original disturbance, whatever it may be. It is very difficult to help people over their primary emotional problems when guilt ridden, depressed, or anxious about it. What I want for you, dear reader, is for you to stubbornly refuse to go bargain-basement shopping for downers. That is, I want you to learn how to not upset yourself about being upset – to gracefully lump your feel bads, and then to get on with the business of creating happiness for yourself. So, sear these realities into your mind. • There will be regular breakdowns in your life. These can be minor – the flat tire, the electrical power failure, the flu bug on your birthday. But, they can also be major – the death of a loved one, the need for surgery, a business setback. The bad news is that you will likely face some of each in your lifetime; the good news is that you will survive them. Regardless, you would be wise to (1) expect that you too will face adversities as you travel through life and (2) refuse to think that you are a special case and they should never happen to you • You will likely feel upset of one kind or another when you face these breakdowns. Feeling frustration, annoyance, sadness, sorrow, and/or concern are normal and healthy emotional reactions to adversity. Feeling anger, depression, guilt, and/or anxiety are overreactions that result from you thinking irrationally about these adversities. If you find yourself mired in the latter, please seek out a competent cognitive-behavior therapist to help you past it. • When you do get upset over some breakdown in your life, take care not to make yourself upset about being upset. There is an old adage that has some wisdom to it: “Have it and it won't have you.” Once you gracefully lump being upset, you give yourself three gifts: (1) you do not create a secondary emotional problem on top of your first one; (2) you can go about your day with a “so what” attitude about your upset, thereby still being productive and maybe even finding pockets of pleasure; (3) you can work constructively to rid your original upset, encumbered by this additional emotional baggage. Gracefully Lumping Feel Bads Here are five strategies you can use to gracefully lump the inevitable feel bads you will experience in life. Remember: it is insane to get upset about being upset; this only compounds your upset and leads to nothing constructive. 1. Drop “I can't stand it.” People often adopt this attitude in the face of feeling bad. But, this is a non-sensical way of thinking because nothing – nothing! – is unstandable. What you experience may be unpleasant, difficult, even painful. Yet, it is standable. You will live through it, it will be time-limited, and you will be undamaged when it's over. If you make yourself believe you can stand your feel bads, you will lump them gracefully, and get on with the job of feeling better. 2. Don't whine. Whining is a form of “I'm special.” When you whine, you communicate to yourself that you, being a special case in the universe, shouldn't even ever experience adversity or feel bads. Nonsense! Of course you are not special such that your life should always be carefree. Of course you should (statistically speaking, anyway) suffer at times like all the rest of us. 3. Seek out pleasure. Often when people are upset, they shut down. They pull down the shades, take the phone off the hook, and cover themselves with blankets. All this encourages brooding and self-pity. Better to take charge and seek out comfort and pleasure – get in the hot tub, listen to music, go to the movies, cuddle with a loved one, make yourself a banana split. One of my patients made a long list of pleasurable activities from which to select when feeling down. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to do this as well. 4. Count your blessings. Nobody in their right mind wants to feel unhappy. Yet, like the flu, it's easy to get caught up in unhappiness so that all the good in life gets ignored. When you are upset is perhaps as important a time as any to review what is good in your life – your loved ones and friends, your hobbies and interests, your creature comforts. You could even go one step further and celebrate what's good in your life with gratitude. (See my November 30, 2014 blog, “Happiness With Life 3: Practice Gratitude”). 5. Connect and give. What better way to get outside your own unhappiness than to reach out to others? Sharing in the warmth of friendship and affection can balm almost any pain. Even better, focus on showing others affection, being interested in their life, helping others have a better day. This can not only get you outside of your own misery, but also give you pleasure in and of itself. Going Forward Life will surely throw you curves. And, unless mindless, you will at times experience emotional pain. How you respond to this pain will go a long way toward determining your overall happiness in life. You really only have two choices when emotionally upset: one is to whine and catastrophize about how bad you feel, thereby compounding your misery; a second is to gracefully lump your pain while working to reduce it through constructive cognitive and behavioral strategies. The second of these choices is the substance of this blog. I hope this blog has been useful to you in your quest for happiness. I believe in you and your right to be happy. But, remember, you’ve got to work at it. So, dear reader, determine to live each day of 2015 healthy, happy, and with passion. Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose; and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net.

Happiness With Life Three: Practice Gratitude Focus on the good, not the bad Forty-two year old Marsha plopped down on the couch in front of me in my clinical office. Slightly overweight, but with a pretty face and outfitted in a fashionable pantsuit, she looked anything but the bitter and depressed person she described herself to be on her intake sheet. Glancing down the sheet, I noted that what she was married, had two high school-aged children, held the title of manager in the company she worked, and had no health problems. What’s she got to be depressed about? I wondered. It didn't take me long to find out. Contrary to many people who report depression, she did not have a history of child abuse or significant failure, nor did she experience current trauma in her life. What she did reveal, though, was a steady stream of negative thinking, complaining about everything from the state of the economy to the frustration in her job to the weather. The picture that she presented was that of a shopper in a giant clothing store, who only saw the items that did not fit her or were garish. There it was, the root source of her bitterness and depression. Marsha approached life with the mindset of the quintessential glass half-empty person. She habitually focused on the negative, ignoring the good, thereby driving her mood lower and lower. It was as if she had committed herself to forcing all happiness from her life with her mental focus. My chore, and hers, was to break this habit and develop an attitude of gratitude. The Power Of Focus The focus of our mind matters. Why? Because we tend to act to produce that which we focus on. That explains the power of goals. By focusing on a desired goal, we tend, all things being equal, to act to make that goal a reality. To the contrary, by focusing on all the obstacles that make it hard to accomplish a goal, we discourage ourselves from acting to make that goal a reality. The same is true for our mood. Try focusing on everything negative in your life for one week and see what happens to your mood. Then, for the next week, focus on nothing but the positive in your life, and watch your mood elevator. So, what we chose to focus on has the power to enable us or disable us. It can greatly enhance or debilitate our happiness. But, here's the good news: we need not be the passive victim of the direction our mine takes; we can take control of the focus of our minds, whether we decide to focus on the positive or the negative. Our mind is like a muscle. We can train it to ignore the positives in our life, paying attention to only the annoying, the frustrating, the dislikable. Or, we can train it to see and appreciate the positives, while taking care not to ignore the negatives so that we can improve on them if we can. Marsha proved to be a tough nut to crack. She initially approached her therapy with the same negativity she did with everything else in her life. “Yeah, but…” seemed to be her favorite sentence opening. But, I persisted in pointing out the steady stream of negativity out of her mouth and helped her see how this habit debilitated her mood, diminished her motivation, and even demoralized those around her. After weeks of struggle, she started working to rehabituate her mental focus and slowly but surely saw her depression lift and her happiness rise. Sear This Into Your Mind • What you focus on plays a major role in your mood. You, like everyone else, will experience both positive and negative in your life. If you ignore the positive and dwell on the negative, you likely will fall into bitterness and depression. If you wisely take note of the negative, so as not to be in denial and be caught off-guard, but take pains to note and appreciate the positive, you'll likely create pleasure and happiness for yourself. • Your mind can be thought of as a muscle. You can strengthen either the habit of focusing on the positive or the negative. You will experience the consequence of which habit you choose to habituate. • Happiness is not your birthright. As I said in my very first Happiness on Purpose blog on January 22, 2013, it is difficult to be happy. Why? Well, for three reasons: (1) we live in a difficult world, full of frustrations and hardships; (2) we do not live with saints or angels, but with fallible humans who will regulate thwart us; (3) we operate with a human mind that will easily think in irrational, happiness-thwarting ways. Therefore, to be happy, you must consciously – purposely – work at it. Focusing on what is good in your life is a powerful strategy to bring yourself happiness. Practice Gratitude Let me take the Power of Focus to the next level. Being aware of what's good in life is one thing; being grateful for what is good is another. You can certainly increase your happiness by focusing on the positive, but you can juice it even higher by being appreciative of, being indebted to, and being grateful for the blessings you have. Here are five practices you can adopt to practice gratitude, thereby bringing tons more happiness to your life. 1. Set the tone each morning. First thing each morning, review what it is that you having your life about which you are grateful. Ask yourself: What is good in my life? What do I have to be thankful for? Who do I love who also loves me? What are the opportunities I have this day for enjoyment, pleasure, fun? What are the possibilities that exist to do something good or helpful? By identifying and focusing on this to start the day, you can set the happiness tone for the day. 2. Be alert to the good. My wife and I watched a movie the other night titled About Time. The hook of the movie was a secret the father shared with his son on his twenty-first birthday: the males in the family could travel backwards in time. The young man did so throughout the movie to win the woman of his dreams, to save his sister from a life of drugs and debauchery, and to help his best friend realize a successful career. Shortly before his death, the father told him a second secret, the secret to happiness. It was to live each day first exactly as it unfolded; then, second, to go back in time and relive the day, but this time paying close attention to the beautiful little things that exist that were ignored the first time around. Of course, you cannot actually relive each day. But, imagine the pleasure you could derive if you did this in the one-and-only go-around you have. 3. Embrace good fortune. Albert Einstein once remarked: “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I know that he spoke metaphorically, but I also know that, when good fortune comes your way, you can go beyond merely accepting it to celebrating it, relishing it, embracing it. This way you not only enjoy your good fortune, but you both enhance it and enjoy your enjoyment of it. 4. Embrace death. I know this sounds crazy, but the fact that death looms in front of all of us can be our biggest blessing. For, our certain death can be a reminder that this is the one and only life we know for certain we’ll ever have. The wise of us keep this in the forefront of our mind and live each day accordingly. We then work to manufacture good times and make sure to savor those that we have. Death reminds us to never squander any moment, to relish each and every pleasure, and to be grateful for whatever good life grants us. 5. Revel in the miniature. Of course we all want to enjoy those big things in life – physical health and vitality; a loving, lasting relationship; the warmth of a close-knit family; a vibrant, engaging career; financial security. When we have these, we would be wise to be grateful for them. But we can also take pleasure in and be grateful for the little things as well – the beauty of the snow in the woods behind the house, a child's laughter, the warmth of the blankets as one snuggles down to sleep at night. These type moments are available many times each day. All it takes is for us to be alert to them and to savor them as they present themselves. Going Forward What better way to bring happiness into your life than to grow your gratitude quotient? You may not have control over all the circumstances in your life, but you sure can control what is the focus of your attention. By building the habit of paying close attention to what you have in your life for which you can be grateful, you increase tremendously the amount of pleasure you experience, your mood, and ultimately your happiness. I hope this blog has been helpful useful to you in your quest for happiness. I know you deserve to be happy. But, I also know you have to make the effort to make it happen. So, dear reader, till next month, live healthy, happy, and with passion. Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose; and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net.

Happiness With Life 2: Practice Perspective Rid yourself of all awfuls, horribles, and terribles Most patients who seek my clinical help do so when dealing with some sort of adversity. Some of these can be relatively minor – a failed course, a suspended drivers license, an illness that caused the cancellation of a vacation trip. Others loom more serious, all the way from a failed marriage or job loss to a crippling illness or the death of a loved one. While these adversities may indeed be unfortunate, bad, or, in some cases, tragic, the common denominator that brings each of these people to my office is that they view their adversity as catastrophic. By rating their adversity thusly, they bring such feelings on themselves as depression, anxiety, bitterness, guilt, and hopelessness, emotional states that rival in seriousness the original adversities themselves. My job with my patients is twofold. One is to show them respect and empathy and to help them find workable solutions to their adversities. This is the practical part of my job. My more significant and elegant responsibility is to help them see that their emotional “disturbance” does not come from the adversity itself, but from their catastrophic thinking about it. I approach this gingerly as I do not want to offend the people I want to help. Once I accomplish this, I help them live emotional disturbance free by ridding their awfulizing, horriblizing, and terriblizing ways of thinking. But, dear reader, I can almost hear you shout that what I say is ridiculous. Of course, you argue, there are indeed catastrophes in life, things that are truly awful, and people not only have a right, but ought to feel depressed, bitter and anxious about them. To feel otherwise, you say, is perverse and inhuman. And, to that I say to you, please open your mind and be willing to challenge your pre-existing premises. Let me show you that, if you rigorously apply rigorous logic and refuse to be swayed by sentiment or habitual, automatic thinking, you will see that there are no catastrophes in life. Therefore, no matter the adversity, you need not experience depression, anxiety, or bitterness. Read on. Living Catastrophe Free Let me approach this a little bit backwards. I’ll explain the meanings of the concept of catastrophic – the awfuls, horribles, terribles –and then show you why none of these meanings hold water. Remember: be open to challenging your own pre-existing way of thinking. Meaning 1: It's 100% bad. When we tell ourselves that an adversity is awful, horrible, or terrible, we do not mean that it is merely unfortunate, troublesome, or bad. No, we mean it is at the very top of the badness scale– 100% bad. You may protest and say, “No, I don't mean that.” But, if you're honest, you'll admit that you really do. In your mind, it can only be horrible if it indeed has reached that pinnacle of badness. The fact is, though, that it is impossible for anything to be 100% bad. Why? Because, theoretically, it could always be worse. That child could have died a year earlier; one more person could have died on 9/11, another child abuse case could have occurred last year. Beyond that theoretical point is a more practical one; most every one of the so-called catastrophes we face don’t come close to 100% bad. If we were to rate the senseless death of 3000 innocent people on 9/11 at 99% bad, doesn't the job loss, the failed marriage, or the heart surgery fall well below that? In fact, if you think about it, fully 99.9% of the bad things we face in life fall below the level of 10% bad. Meaning 2: It ruins everything. This is a second meaning of the words awful, horrible, terrible. That is, if this bad thing happens, then it causes my entire life to go down the toilet, not just now, but forever. So, if I lose my job, I've lost everything. But, the truth is that, while this loss is indeed bad, maybe even very bad, I have not lost everything. I still have my family, my friends, my hobbies, my interests, my health, my intellect, my skills, and, quite likely, a future that holds another job. So, losing my job isn't horrible; it’s just bad, and most all of the rest of the good in my life still exists. Meaning 3: I can't stand it. Implied in catastrophizing is the concept of “I can't stand it.” But, this thought is utter nonsense. As difficult and painful as some things may be, they are always standable. Taken literally, the only thing that is indeed unstandable is something that kills us. Furthermore, telling oneself that an adversity is unstandable just inflames our emotions, creating more upset, and inviting us to further indulge the thought that the event itself is unstandable. Meaning 4: It shouldn't be. When you judge some adversity as awful, horrible, or terrible, you also mean that it shouldn't exist. “Since it's an absolute horror to be rejected by my wife, it should not happen to me.” “It's awful to have had that heart attack and therefore I shouldn't have suffered it.” “Child abuse is so terrible it shouldn't exist.” It is tempting to harbor these “shoulds.” But, notice two things: one, they represent a non-sequitur, for, just because something is bad, it doesn't follow logically that it therefore shouldn't exist; two, when we escalate a “bad” to a “horrible,” we energize the logic of “should.” The fact is that bad things must exist because all the conditions themselves that make it exist do in fact exist; with the existence of these conditions, this adversity has to — i.e., must or should — exist. Our job, then, is to work to change the conditions that create the adversity so that it no longer exists, rather than wailing that is so horrible it shouldn't exist. Meaning 5: It's beyond 100% bad. If you think about it, 100% is all there is of anything. There is no more. An athlete can only put out 100% effort, not 110%. A person can only love 100%, not 120%. One can hold no more than 100% motivation, not 130%. 100% of anything is all there can be. Similarly, an adversity can be no more than 100% bad. 110%, 120%, or 130% badness cannot exist. So, for something to be awful, horrible, or terrible, it must transcend bad, that is, be 101% bad or more. That's an impossibility. So, awful, horrible, and terrible are magical concepts that cannot exist. Catastrophes simply don't exist. There you have it, dear reader, the logic to prove that you think irrationally when you rate an adversity in your life as something awful, horrible, or terrible. You do not need think in these terms, no matter how serious the adversity. it is difficult, but if you use the logic I’ve supplied, that is, truly and diligently apply it to your life, you can prevent yourself from facing two adversities for the price of one – the adversity itself, plus the emotional pain of depression, anxiety, and bitterness about the adversity. Sear This Into Your Mind • Everyone will experience adversities in life. No one is an exception. No one is immune. • Adversities do not destroy happiness. Though frustration, disappointment, sadness, and grief naturally and appropriately come with adversity, depression, anxiety, and bitterness does not. These come when we catastrophize about our adversities – when we awfulize, horriblize, and terriblize about them. • Awful, horrible, and terrible are magical concepts that are illogical, unprovable, and debilitating. They mistakenly communicate to us that the adversities we face: (1) are 100% bad, which they aren’t; (2) ruin everything in life, which they don’t; (3) make everything in life forever bad, which, again, they don’t; (4) shouldn't exist, despite the fact that they should because they do, though we abhor them; and (5) climb into the magical realm of 101% or more bad, which is impossible. Simply said, we can only face some degree of badness in life, never anything awful, horrible, or terrible. • To eek out every ounce of happiness we can, we would be wise to eliminate the concept of catastrophe – all awfuls, horribles, and terribles – from our thinking. Live a catastrophe-free mentality. • The antidote to catastrophizing is perspective. This means seeing things only as bad as they are, certainly never 100% bad, never awful, horrible, or terrible. Live It I hope by now I’ve convinced you about both the ridiculousness and foolhardiness of catastrophizing. If so, you might want to devote yourself to the following practices, all of which can reduce your unhappiness and enhance your happiness. 1. Get clear about the distinction between bad and horrible. Bad refers to something undesirable, and can rate anywhere from 1% to 99% negative. But, very few things ruse worse than 10% bad, and nothing rises to the level of 100% or more bad, ruins everything in life, and is unstandable. Awful, horrible, and terrible mean the opposite: this adversity is 100% or more bad; it ruins everything in life, now and forever; it's unstandable, and it shouldn't exist. 2. Make a list of the adversities in your life. On a scale from 1 to 99 (with 99 being the worst thing imaginable, 75 being paralyzed from the neck down the rest of your life, 50 being the loss of two limbs, 25 being open heart surgery, 10 being a broken leg, and one being a scratch), determine – exactly and precisely — the degree of badness these adversities represent. Be intellectually rigorous as you do this, refusing to succumb to awful, horrible, and terrible. See that your adversities, while bad, don’t ever ruin your life. 3. Count your blessings. Without denying the existence of your adversities, also see all the good that is in your life, blessings you can enjoy while you rue the adversity. 4. Look to the future. What can you create in your life that can give you pleasure and happiness, even though your adversities may endure? List these and work toward them. 5. Remember that you can stand anything. You may not like it, but it is always standable. Give up this nonsense way of thinking. Going Forward Happiness doesn't always come easy. Sometimes you must work – on purpose – to be happy. A big part of being happy is ridding yourself of those beliefs, such as catastrophizing, that block your happiness and bring you down. But, you are worth the effort, and I support you fully in your effort. Thank you so much for letting me share my ideas with you. It is my sincere desire that they be helpful. Remember that you can always contact me by email should you ever desire to do so. I look forward sharing my next blog with you. In the meantime, live healthy, happy, and with passion. Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose; and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net.

Happiness With Life 1: Hold Nothing Necessary Rid yourself of all gotta’s, have to’s, need to’s, and musts Stress is one of the main killers of happiness. It comes in many forms — anger, anxiety, depression, and guilt. What most people don't understand, though, is that stress is not brought on by the challenges and difficulties one faces in life. Rather, people needlessly bring stress on themselves. Since they cause it, they can prevent it. Let me illustrate how with three patients who first came to my office just this past week. Fifty-two year old David had recently separated from his wife of twenty years. An elementary school teacher with two young daughters, his wife threw him out of the house until he figured out how to conduct himself, as she said, “like a civilized human being.” He told me that what she found intolerable was his perpetual grumpiness, his being constantly on edge, and his intense way of interacting with her and the children from the moment he awoke to the second he dropped off to sleep. He admitted that he was “a bear to live with.” Twenty-year old Emily wrote anxiety and depression in bold, capital letters as her presenting complaint on her intake sheet. Blonde, tall, and athletic, she shared that she had suffered severe depression some seven months before that almost caused her to drop out of the University of Virginia. She carried a full load this semester, along doing 10 hours per week of community service, and maintained a long distance relationship with a young man at a distant college. She felt her stress begin to rise again to alarming levels and wisely decided to do something about it before it got out of control. Thirty seven year old Gerald told me he felt like he was going to explode. A martial arts expert, he recently pushed a friend of his to the ground and in frustration punched a hole in his bedroom wall. He talked so fast I frequently had to ask him to slow down so I could understand what he said. He squirmed in his chair, interrupted me repeatedly, and darted from one subject to another. It did not take a genius to figure out that underlying this real estate agent’s trigger-happy anger outbursts was a perpetual state of anxiety and tension. To be sure, the circumstances in each of these three peoples’ lives varied. But, David, Emily, and Gerald all shared one significant thing in common: they each approached life with a deeply endorsed, habitualized necessitizing mentality. Listen to a sample of what came out of their mouths during our first conversation. David – “I have to get my kids to school on time.” “I've got to get my classroom clean and tidy before my students arrive.” “I must keep my lesson plans up-to-date.” Emily – “I need my boyfriend to love me.” “I've got to do well in school.” “I have to be a responsible citizen and give back to community.” Gerald – “I have to keep up with my paperwork. “I’ve gotta keep my boss happy.” “I have to meet my house selling quota each and every month.” There you have it. Each of these three people approached the challenges in their lives as if they were life and death matters. The fact was though, that nothing they dealt with even came close to being that dire. But, by framing them in that vein, they made it so to themselves. They literally drove themselves into stress and anxiety by their necessitizing. The Distinction Between Valuing vs. Necessitizing Distinctions matter. Why? Because once we make a distinction, we have a choice. If I think only vanilla ice cream exists, then the only choice I have is vanilla; once I distinguish vanilla from chocolate, then I have the ability to choose either vanilla or chocolate. The power of distinction also holds true with regard to our mentality. Making the distinction between valuing something (I want, I prefer, I desire) and necessitizing it (I need, I have to, I’ve got to, I must) empowers a person to make a conscious choice about how he or she will mentally approach adversities. And, the choice between these two mentalities determines whether or not we respond with stress. The Great American psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, illustrated the no-win ravages of the choice of necessitizing with what he called “the $4/$5 analogy.” It goes like this. (1) Imagine that you value or desire to have $5.00 in your pocket at all times. You think, “I prefer it, but I don't need it; it would be nice to have it just in case I want to buy a candy bar, catch a bus, or whatever.” Then you reach in your pocket to only find $4.00. What you’d feel in finding $4.00 would be disappointment and maybe frustration, but not despair or anxiety. After all, you’ve only framed the $5.00 as something desirable, not necessary. (2) Now, imagine yourself changing your thinking from merely preferring or wanting the $5.00 in your pocket to finding it necessary. You think, “I need, absolutely must have, can't bear to have anything less than $5.00 in my pocket.” Now you reach into your pocket and find only $4.00. What you would feel is destroyed – depressed, despairing, desolate. Why? Because you’re deprived of what you have convinced yourself is absolutely necessary. Notice, dear reader, that you found the same $4.00 in holding each of these mentalities. The reason you responded with only frustration in the first case was because you only valued, but did not think it necessary, to have $5.00. In the second case, you reacted so strongly because you thought you absolutely needed or had to have it. (3) Let's take this analogy one step further. Let's say you, still holding the belief that you absolutely have to have $5.00 in your pocket at all times, reach into your pocket and, lo and behold, find $6.00. Finding this, most people would be ecstatic. “Wow, lookee here, $6.00” Upon further probing, though, they admit that they'd quickly feel anxious. Why? Because they would realize that they had no guarantee that they would continue to have a minimum of $5.00, much less $6.00, at all times. They think: “Well, I might need to spend $2.00,” “I might lose $2.00,” ”I might have miscounted,” “I might get robbed.” They’d realize there always existed the possibility of finding less than $5.00 in their possession. Get it? Whenever a person elevates a desire, any desire, into an absolute necessity, there is no possibility for peace of mind or happiness. For, if they think they absolutely have to succeed at something they want, they’d be destroyed if they fail; but, even if they do succeed in getting what they want, they're still anxious, because they still have no guarantee they will continue to get it. This is exactly the logical error David, Emily, and Gerald made. They each held a rational value to do well and succeed in each of the challenges they faced – David with his kids and at work, Emily with regard to her boyfriend and her schooling, and Gerald with regard to his real estate job. But, what caused each of them to become so stressed when they converted their values or desires into dire, life-and-death necessities. Sear This Into Your Mind • All happiness-busting stress (anger, anxiety, depression, guilt) is created by a person believing that what is wanted must be. Whenever one takes a desire — for doing well and succeeding at something, for being liked or loved, and/or for having things be the way they wanted — into the realm of an absolute necessity, they cannot help but to be stressed over the outcome. • The cold hard fact is that there is nothing in life that is absolutely necessary. As much as one may want to do well, to be approved, and to have life be easy and likeable, it never has to be, needs to be, or must be that way. Hey, as much as most of us value living, we don't even need to continue to live. • To be happy in life, we would be wise to: (1) relentlessly strive to obtain what we value; but (2) never buy into the idea that we must have what we want. Live It I taught David, Emily, and Gerald the distinction between valuing and necessitizing in their first session and helped them to connect their necessitizing thinking to their stress. I will do my best to help them give up their necessitizing as they move forward. We will see how they each take to my efforts as time continues. To help you experience more happiness in your life, I urge you to adopt the following practices. I can’t guarantee it, but I know there is an excellent chance you will reduce your stress and find more happiness if you do so. 1. Get clear about the distinction between the concepts of valuing and necessitizing. Then listen to the words you use. Whenever you hear yourself thinking in terms of “I need,” “I must have,” and “I've gotta,” realize that you've fallen into a necessitizing mindset and recognize you are bringing unnecessary stress on yourself. Ask yourself: Do I want to think this way and feel the way I do as a result? 2. Convince yourself that necessitizing thinking is both foolish and irrational. Think about it: • No matter how much you may want something or think you may be enriched by having it, it is not necessary for you to have it. As much as it might benefit you to do well on that test, or to get a good result on your MRI, or succeed in the stock market, it is only desirable, better, or valuable, not necessary. Never mix up valuing with necessitizing. • Virtually nothing in life is life and death. It is quite sloppy thinking to frame something as life-and-death when it is only desirable. You will not die if you run late or lose the love of a boyfriend. • There are no absolute necessities in the universe, except what is. If something is that way, then by necessity it must be that way until it is otherwise. What is, is; what isn’t, isn’t. Regardless, we go on. • It is narcissistic and self-centered to think in necessitizing terms. For, what you are telling yourself is that, just because you may want something to be a certain way, it must follow that it must be that way. But, the last time I checked, neither you nor I run the universe. • Necessitizing leads to other irrational ways of thinking that serve to further magnify stress — it’s awful, I can't stand it, self-damning. All of these serve to further stress a person. 3. Make a list of all the things you think you absolutely must have. Using the arguments against necessitizing I offered above, systematically convince yourself that, no matter how valuable it may be to have what you value, it is not necessary. 4. Focus on what you do have that gives you pleasure and satisfaction. Remember that, while you may be deprived of something of value, there are other things in your life also of value. Determine to enjoy 100% of the 90% you do have, while not thinking you can’t exist because you don't have the 10% that is missing. 5. Teach others the distinction between valuing and necessitizing. When we teach something to others, we learn it better ourselves. Teaching deepens both our understanding and our appreciation. Going Forward Being happy with life in general is a significant part of your overall happiness. A cornerstone of happiness in life has to do with not getting caught up in thinking that something you value is absolutely necessary. No matter how much you may value something (and I encourage you to value what you do to the extent that you do), never think of it as a necessity. I treasure this opportunity to share my Happiness on Purpose blogs with you. I hope this blog has stimulated your thinking and, hopefully, encouraged you to follow through in using its ideas. Please contact me by email if you should so desire. In the meantime, live healthy, happy, and with passion. Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose, and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net

Happiness With Others 10: Leave A Trail Of Happiness What goes around comes around A husband-and-wife seek out a counselor after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what is the problem. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had and all the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. She sits stupefied. The counselor turns to the husband and says, “That is what your wife needs, at least three times a week. Can you do that?” The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can get her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf.” As this joke suggests, we carry into each of our people encounters an opportunity to either amplify or diminish the happiness of others. Imagine the trail of happiness this husband could have left had he bothered to show his wife, everyday, how important she was to him. But, it stretches beyond just enhancing the happiness of others. You see, people remember how we make them feel long after they forget what we say to them. By consciously and purposely leaving a trail of happiness wherever we go, we create the conditions to magnify our happiness as well. We…. • reinforce in our mind an attitude of optimism and a positive view of other people, both of which are known to be associated with personal happiness; • create trust, appreciation, and goodwill in others that can easily carry over into our future encounters with them, thereby peppering our future life with multiple moments of pleasure and satisfaction; • encourage the same kind of behavior from them in return, making our own life more rewarding and happy. Studies show that people who leave a trail of happiness are indeed more happy themselves. They keep their eyes are open to the gifts they can deliver to other people in their lives. They extend this beyond their family to people they encounter in the most ordinary of situations – the clerk at the pharmacy, the ticket agent at the airline counter, the waiter who serves their dinner. They don't do it to manipulate other people's approval, but out of an overflowing sense of generosity and gratitude. Like the other happiness-producing practices I have offered in this blog series, Happiness on Purpose, anyone can cultivate the trail of happiness practice. It just takes your willingness to become aware of the opportunities that exist to do so and a commitment to practice till you develop the habit. Once you habituate this practice, just watch your mood rise, your pleasures multiply, your happiness elevate. Live It Here are a few things you can do to leave a trail of happiness. Start these practices today. Fake it till you make it. 1. Act local. I have this theory that, if everyone in the world contributing each day to the happiness of those within their immediate family, we’d transform the world. So, start at home. Make a conscious effort to compliment, affirm, or reinforce each of the people you live with, each one of them at least once each day. Observe how they react and enjoy the pleasure you give them. As a bonus, enjoy it when they start reciprocating in-kind, that is, if you sustain your practice for a couple of weeks. 2. Thank you's. Say “thank you” as often as you can – to family members, to friends, to coworkers, to casual acquaintances, to service people, to whomever. People appreciate the recognition, and they often respond in kind, enhancing your own pleasure quotient. Moreover, be alert to the kindness and courtesies we receive from others can keep us positive, appreciative, and hopeful, all bedrock perspectives necessary to experience our own daily happiness. 3. Stay connected. It is oh-too-easy in this busy life we lead to let relationships with friends and relatives slide. What a trail of happiness we can leave – and receive – when we make a point to keep connected with these special people. Call, email, visit these people on some regular schedule. By doing so, you not only bring happiness into their lives, but put yourself in a position to be pleasured as well. 4. Volunteer. I remember the pleasure I got from delivering Thanksgiving turkeys to needy families when in high school. One of my close friends sponsors a 5K run each September to collect money to help educate the children of wounded vets; he practically glows that time of year despite the hard work involved. Friends, colleagues, and even patients of mine reported how rewarded they feel when they do volunteer work at soup kitchens, the SPCA, homeless shelters, and the like. In addition to the benefits these type activities give to others, there is no calculation the amount of personal satisfaction one gets as a giver. 5. Be there. Nothing communicates love and appreciation more than just being there for another person at significant times in their lives. These can be happy times, say birthdays, weddings or anniversaries. Or, they can be times of adversity, such as the death of a parent, when one goes through a relationship break-ups, or perhaps when ill. You don't need to do more than just be there. You will be appreciated, you will most likely earn this person's loyalty, and, yes, you can feel proud of what you've done. Going Forward This blog concludes the group of ten I have devoted to strategies to increase your experience of happiness with the people of your life. In addition to Leave a Trail of Happiness, the other nine included: (1) Practice premeditated acceptance and forgiveness; (2) Take nothing personal; (3) Be generous of spirit; (4) Don't be needy; (5) Expect misbehavior; (6) Choose friends and lovers wisely; (7) Be a generous giver; (8) Listen, listen, listen; and (9) Practice win-win. The more you integrate these ten Happiness With Others strategies into your life, the happier you can expect to be. Spend an hour or two reviewing all ten of these blogs. Decide which ones would be of most benefit to you. Put them into practice in your daily life. See the results in your happiness quotient. Starting in my September, 2014 blog, I will devote the next ten months to sharing strategies to be happy with your life in general. I welcome you back, with the hope that these new blogs, plus the ones already posted, will contribute to the happiness you want and deserve in your life. Until then, with healthy, happy, and with passion. Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose, and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net

Happiness With Others 9: Practice Win-Win Think interdependent, not independent If we start from the proposition that there will be differences and disagreements in all relationships, then it follows that how you resolve these disagreements will be critical to on-going success of those relationships. You see, every disagreement will have a resolution. You want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in either of you. In resolving differences and disagreements, there are only four possible outcomes. 1. One is for the resolution to be good for you but not for the other person. We call this win–lose. The danger in this is that the other person may feel defeated, slighted, or resentful. These lingering feelings may very well contaminate the relationship, ultimately leading to unhappiness for you. 2. A second is for the resolution to benefit the other person but not you — a lose–win proposition. In this, you may very well feel upset, possibly contaminating your future interactions with this person, making harmony and happiness a casualty. 3. A third resolution is that it ends up bad for both of you. You both feel like you lost and you both will likely carry bad feeling forward. There is unlikely to be no happiness here for anyone and the future of the relationship may very well be put into jeopardy. 4. The best outcome is when you work hard to find a resolution that works for both of you. You see to it that there are no losers. You both win and feel good about the outcome. This insures that you both continue to derive pleasure from the relationship without being dragged down by hurt or resentment. A Personal Example of Win-Win When Patti and I first met over 25 years ago, I owned my own residence. It perfectly fit my needs. I had virtually no yard work, no snow to shovel, no outside maintenance. Sitting only blocks from a golf course, I loved its modern architecture. As much as this house suited me, it was not Patti’s cup of tea. Having spent years in the Caribbean before renting a log cabin on a sprawling farm outside Charlottesville, she reveled in her rustic privacy. She could literally leave her front door open all day, had no neighbors, and was able to experience the sights and sounds of nature anytime day or night. She loved it. When we married it made sense for her to move into my house as I owned and she rented. Though she willingly did so, she was never content there. While Patti lobbied to move to a home that better suited her, I resisted. Discussions went back-and-forth, neither of us happy with the outcome. Tied to we each getting our own way, we strived vigorously to convince the other of the validity of our positions. We both operated from a win–lose mentality. I distinctly remember the day of our breakthrough. With a twinkle in her eye, Patti approached me and asked: “Don't you counsel couples?” She suggested that I tell her what I do with couples who find themselves at such loggerheads. She wondered if we could use the same tools. The long and short of it was that, by listening carefully to what each wanted and by working together to find a win-win solution, we found the perfect solution, one that neither of us envisioned as long as we were in combat. By putting my arguments aside and truly listening to what Patti wanted, I discovered she liked the design and décor of the condominium, but didn’t like “apartment living.” She wanted bucolic privacy. When she listened to me, she found out that I could easily live in a single dwelling home relatively isolated from other people; I just didn’t want to live in a colonial or rustic dwelling. After about a year of diligent searching, we found the home that fit both our needs. It rests on three and one-half wooded acres with no other dwelling visible when leaves are on the trees. There's a stream that runs through the property, trails to walk in the woods, and deer and other wildlife meander through the property. At the same time, the house has the modern features I like, most notably floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. This was truly a win–win resolution to our disagreement. We both take great pleasure in the house we share, so this provides us ongoing happiness. Even deeper, the courtesy and respect we showed each other by genuinely engaging in the win-win process deepened our bond and added to the ongoing happiness we derive from our relationship. Practicing Win–Win The win–win process is fairly simple and straightforward, yet it is often not easy to pull off. This is so because it requires a much different mindset than most of us bring to our disagreements. Moreover, it requires some patience and self-control, as you will see below. But, by bothering to follow the process, you will be pleasantly surprised by the solutions you find and gratified by the increased happiness you derive from your relationships. Step One – Be Alert. Rather than avoiding the differences or disagreements you may have in your relationships, acknowledge them. Be clear that, if ignored, they can fester and deprive you of the full pleasures these relationships can bring. Be aware that these disagreements provide a wonderful opportunity to deepen your bond with others so long as you handle the differences in a respectful win–win way. Step Two – Eliminate Upset. It is very difficult for two people to cooperate when one or both harbor hurt or resentment. How willing are you to patiently listen when you feel anger? How motivated are you to cooperatively find a win-win resolution when you carry hurt? Clearly, to make a win–win resolution possible, you need to rid yourself of your hurt and anger. Step Three – Adopt a Win–Win Attitude. This means that you make a commitment to find a resolution to your disagreements that works for both of you. You genuinely adopt the posture that you will not agree to a solution where you win but your companion loses. You also make sure to commit to not agree to a solution where the other person wins and you lose. You commit to only agree to a solution in which both of you win and neither of you loses. Step Four – Purposefully Listen. You presumably already know what is a win for you. You also need to know what is a win for the other person as well. How can you find a win-win without knowing the other person’s win as well as your own? To get this information, you need to purposely listen. This requires you to listen without judgment or censorship, just to understand. That is, you listen to exactly what each other wants without the intrusion of your own wants or values. Once you are equipped with the information this non-judgmental listening provides, you are now equipped to find a win–win resolution to your disagreement. Step Five – Synergistic Brainstorming. Without emotional contamination, with the win–win mindset, and fully understanding what is a win for both of you, you are now primed to find a workable solution to your disagreement. What you do in Step Five is to simply let the ideas fly, brainstorming solutions until you find one that satisfies both of you. Be patient, though, because this can take some time and effort. Live It Let's summarize what’s been said so far. In all relationships there will be disagreements. How these disagreements are resolved — win–lose, lose–win, lose–lose, win–win — will go a long way in determining the degree of pleasure and happiness in those relationships. Striving for a win–win resolution to any disagreement cannot help but lead to ongoing relationship happiness. To live win–win, adopt the following practices. The first two are mental, the last three behavioral. 1. Commit to win–win. Make a firm commitment to approach all differences you have with another with the win–win mentality. This will help you strive for a resolution that feels good to both of you. You will find pleasure in doing so and the other person will appreciate you for the effort. 2. Think Breakthrough. Many people approach their relationship problems as catastrophes. That is, they view their disagreements with others as horrors, things to be avoided at all costs. It goes without saying that this breakdown mindset does not lend itself to constructive problem solving. In breakthrough thinking, you look upon your relationship problems as opportunities to work together to achieve new levels of closeness and intimacy. The questions a breakthrough thinker asks are: What are the possibilities for a win–win solution to this problem? What can we learn that will help us be more happy together? What is the opportunity that exists in this disagreement to build a closer bond? People who adopt the breakthrough mentality will still not like to experience disagreements in their relationships, but they don’t fear or avoid them. To the contrary, they welcome them when they arise as opportunities for win–win breakthroughs. You can approach your inevitable differences and disagreements this way too. 3. Schedule Problem Solving Meetings. This won’t work for your more casual relationships, but it certainly will pay off for your more important ones. I encourage you to schedule regular meetings with your significant other, your children, and your close colleagues with the agenda being to identify and resolve conflicts. I’ve known couples who meet an hour each week to surface and resolve conflicts. These meetings are not only an excellent opportunity to resolve the more important issues in your relationship life, but they also serve to prevent differences or disagreements from festering over time whereby hurt and resentment can build. In these meetings, follow three ground rules. One, do not turn them into a complaint session. Two, reinforce your mutual commitment to the win–win principle. Three, be more committed to hearing and understanding than to telling and selling your point of view. 4. Listen, Listen, Listen. As I emphasized in my blog on June 30, 2014, listening is a profoundly important skill for relationship happiness. And, as pointed out in this blog, it is an essential part of win–win resolutions to disagreements. Beyond problem solving, remember that listening also serves to communicate caring and respect. So, you can hardly listen too much. Practice it daily and see the results in your relationship satisfaction and happiness. 5. Teach It. We deepen our understanding when we teach something. So, teaching win–win to others aids our own ability to use it, thereby increasing the possibility for more happiness in our relationship life. Beyond that, passing this relationship-enhancing skill on to our significant others, our children, our friends, and our colleagues, sets the stage for mutual happiness all around. Going Forward Win–win conflict resolution is a cognitive and behavioral skill that can well serve your relationships happiness. You can not only resolve those nagging disagreements you have with others, but you will also draw closer to these people in the process. But remember: no matter how powerful these ideas and strategies may be, in the last analysis it’s up to you. You have to determine to use them. Go do it. Until my next blog, live healthy, happy, and with passion. Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose, and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net